Is This Normal?

So, I had a full on panic attack last night because I think, for the first time, it dawned on me that I'm having a baby.

I've secretly thought very highly of myself for the last 8 months because I haven't been the slightest bit nervous about having a baby, but that's just not the case anymore. I realized that I don't really know how to hold a baby, much less how to feed one, change a diaper, give her a bath, etc. These may seem like really simple things to most people, but I have never in my life had any experience with babies. I have always been the baby.

And I realized that my mom has a job and she can't come live with me 24 hours a day after my baby comes and on Monday's my husband will leave the apartment at 7:45 in the morning and not come back until 11:00 at night and on the other week days, he'll only be home for a couple of hours during the day.

On Sunday, one of the counselor's in the bishopric asked me if I was ready and I said, "Oh yeah, totally ready," and this old lady walking past said, "It doesn't really matter if you're ready; that baby is coming anyway." And now I'm realizing that she's right.

And since I feel another panic attack coming on right now as I write this, I think I'm going to stop.

I guess I just need to remember that there are girls way stupider than me that have babies and somehow they turn out fine.

At least I'm not nervous for the actual labor and delivery part, but I'm sure that panic attack will come in due time.

Good Books

I just finished reading these two books, which came highly recommended by my sister:

I guess I can't technically have an opinion (at least an opinion that matters) on these until I actually have a baby and see if the techniques work. But they were both really, really good.

My favorite part about the The Baby Whisperer is when she talks about how there are five basic types of babies. One of the types is grumpy. She says that grumpy babies are "old souls" who have been on earth before in a different life. The hilarious thing is that she actually believes it. So obviously, her religious beliefs are slightly different than mine, but I still loved the book. I really hope that if Ashlyn is a grumpy baby that she was something really cool in her last life like a geisha or a superhero.

I would also recommend this book.

Gooper Scooper

I just wanted to say happy birthday to my very favorite little brother.


If I had one of these Happy Birthday Cupcake Mugs, I would totally give it to you, but I don't have one, so sorry. But I am singing the Gilmore Girls version of "Happy Birthday" to you right now.

My Hair Is Curly From All The Sweat

I so, so, SO wish it was cold enough to wear one of these or one of these.

Let's all pray that when I'm pregnant with baby #2, EJ and I are living in Alaska.

They need engineers there, right?

Good Day

Hooray for being 28 weeks pregnant today, which means I only have 12 weeks (or less) to go!

And hooray for my favorite president, George W., for sending me a big ol' fat check in the mail yesterday. Now Ashlyn can have a crib, a stroller, a car seat and lots of other fun baby things. Saturday is going to be a very fun day for me and a very good day for Babies R Us.

And hooray for my kitchen sink being dish-free for the last 2 1/2 weeks because I have faithfully emptied the dishwasher and put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher!

Diapers

I've never changed a diaper.

And EJ has never changed a diaper.

Good thing my mom lives nearby so she can teach me how to change a diaper. But I have no interest in learning until my baby comes, so no, I do not want to change your child's diaper. That's gross.

But I do want this T-Bib.

The One Good Thing About Cleaning Checks

So, I've decided to become a cleaner person. Yes, I realize I've said that before and it hasn't happened, but I am 100% serious this time. I am sick of walking in to my kitchen and seeing a sink full of dishes, the counters covered with who knows what and a trash can that should have been taken out a week ago. I probably shouldn't admit the level of mine and EJ's disgustingness, but don't they teach you in AA that before you can recover, you have to admit that you have a problem? (I don't really know what they teach you in AA, but I've seen basic stuff on TV).

I refuse to force my child to live in what I live in (it's not like we live like those people with 98 cats that have feces and trash and lots of other gross things all over their house, but we are not clean people). The only time I make my apartment look presentable is when people come over, so hooray for my sister who is coming to visit later this week, which is forcing me to spend the next few nights cleaning!

And after I clean my apartment this week, my goal is to keep it clean and start cleaning up after myself every day. How sad is it that I'm in my 20's and I haven't learned how to clean up after myself yet? And after that, my goal is to teach my husband to clean up after himself every day. I'm not allowed to yell at him right now because I'm just as bad as he is, but I am looking forward to the day that I can yell at him and not feel guilty about it.

One of My Many Weird Fears

I have this crazy weird fear of people hearing me blow my nose. I know it's weird because everyone gets snot and has to blow their nose, but I really, really get nervous about people hearing me do it.

Under no circumstances, will I blow my nose in public. And I actually get a little uncomfortable when people around me blow their nose. I don't know why. I won't even let EJ get anywhere near me while I'm blowing. I have to go in the bathroom, lock the door, turn the fan on and blow in private.

It's weird. Speaking of noses, I like this Nose Stress Toy.

Does anyone else have any weird fears?

The Wii

On Saturday night, we had another rich people dinner (the rich people in our ward take turns having all the boys/men in the Elder's Quorum and their wives over for dinner once every other month). I must be a bit of a snob because I have yet to be truly impressed with the mansions in our ward, although this house did have an elevator in it, which I guess is kind of cool.

We did get to play the Wii, which I decided is a bit overrated. But I still want one. There are probably way cooler games than what EJ and I played. I played Dance, Dance Revolution (one of my favorites), but only the very basic level since I didn't want to be jumping around. There was one jump I just couldn't resist, but then for the rest of the night I was convinced I had killed my baby, so I won't be doing that again.

EJ played some boxing game and totally beat the kid he played. I wasn't surprised he was so good at it since he hit me in the face really hard the other day. The bruises are finally starting to fade and the swelling is finally starting to go down. (It was totally an accident and probably 99% my own fault since I'm smart enough to know that EJ does not like to be tickled AT ALL. EVER. Let's just say he moved his arm away very quickly and his elbow slammed into my face. It's a good thing he hit my cheek and jaw instead of my nose because he absolutely would have broken it. He's lucky I love him so much and he's lucky I love the Bruise Game more than I love my face).

I'm hoping the family who went elephant hunting in Africa (it cost them $22,000 per person) hosts the next dinner. There is a slight possibility that they just might impress me.

Best Season Ever

Does anyone besides me and my Uncle Tom still watch "Survivor?"

If you don't, you are SO missing out because this season is the best one ever. Even better than Australia and I didn't think it could get better than that.

There have been some great blindsides and some really stupid people this season, but yesterday's episode was by far the most hilarious episode ever, with easily the stupidest move in "Survivor" history. I don't even like any of the four girls left and I don't want any of them to win (well, maybe Amanda if I had to choose one), but I have to give them credit for somehow convincing all these stupid boys, that claim to be "Survivor" experts, to trust them. Seriously, hilarious!

I think the guy on "Survivor" should totally get one of these.

Scary Reptiles and Andrew Lloyd Weber

On Saturday my Uncle Russ was telling us about how last summer he went to pick up a rake in his yard in Southern California and it actually turned out to be a black rattlesnake. I was telling EJ about it yesterday, so naturally, I dreamed about snakes all night last night.

In my dream, there were snakes all over my yard and I was trying to avoid them every step I took. Of course I stepped on one and it bit me. Then we found a bunch in our house and, for some reason, I insisted that EJ put them in the blender. When the blender was full of snakes, I turned it on and blended all of them.

Don't worry; I am not a sick enough person to dream that I then drank the snake shake. I actually just dumped them in the garbage.

This morning, I heard on the news that a 69-year old lady in Florida woke up to an 8-foot alligator in her kitchen. I don't know if one big alligator or thousands of little snakes is scarier. They're both creepy. But I do think the Bellisimo Alligator Stuffed Animal and the Moseez Alligator Stuffed Animal are cute.

And, this has nothing to do with anything, but I'm afraid one of my two favorites on American Idol is going home tonight. It could be either Jason or Brooke, but I'm thinking it's Brooke.

And, possibly, Andrew Lloyd Weber is creepier than both an 8-foot alligator and thousands of little snakes.

Boy or Girl?

I just asked the Magic Stress Ball if my baby is going to be a girl and it said NO. In my experience, the Magic 8 Ball is never wrong. So I guess I'm having a boy.

Speaking of finding out if I'm having a boy or a girl, the big day is next Friday (the 25th). Then AshCo will officially become either Ash or Co.

I was talking to EJ last night about how it would almost be more exciting if we found out we're having a girl since every single person I have ever met thinks it's a boy. What are the odds that not a single person thinks it's a girl?

I would totally change my vote to girl if the Magic Stress Ball hadn't just told me it's a boy.

Bottles and Hand Sanitizer

One of my bosses pointed this BPA-Free Water Bottle out to me today and also told me about a couple of websites where you can buy BPA-Free baby bottles.

Although I'm not usually the kind of person that thinks much about that kind of stuff, these baby bottles are actually really cool and completely safe, where it's possible that a lot of plastic bottles might not be (even though I will continue to drink out of polycarbonate every day).

I don't want to be a crazy parent that worries about every single little thing but, let's be honest, that's just the kind of person I am and I probably will. But I vow to never, ever, not in a million years carry a huge thing of hand sanitizer around with me and make people put it on before they touch my child. Unless you're horribly sick with a cold or the flu, that crosses a line I refuse to cross.

The only person I would consider making put on hand sanitizer before they hold AshCo is my husband because I've watched him wash his hands and he does not sing "Happy Birthday" twice. I've watched many shows on the Discovery Channel that say you should wash your hands long enough to sing "Happy Birthday" twice, which I always do and which is most likely the reason I constantly have the song in my head. (Don't worry; I won't actually make EJ put hand sanitizer on because I'm pretty sure I'm one of maybe six people in the world that actually does sing "Happy Birthday" twice while I wash my hands, but you can pretty much bet that I will spend the rest of my life trying to get him to wash his hands longer).

The few times I have forced EJ to sing while he washes his hands, he sings it as fast as he can, which kind of defeats the purpose.

Deodorant

I ran out of deodorant so I had to wear EJ's deodorant today. Even though I smell like a man, at least it smells amazingly good. I seriously keep smelling my armpits and, for probably the first time in my life, it's not because they smell gross.

Not that when my armpits stink I constantly smell them, but you know how when you're self-conscience because you think your armpits stink, you sometimes smell them every so often to try to convince yourself that they smell okay? Maybe I'm the only one that happens to.

I'm just going to stop talking now because I think I'm bordering on too much information.

I think everyone should order some of these because they're cool. Also, I'm really glad it's Friday and I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to pizza because it's all I think about.

Easter

I know I'm a little late saying this, but Happy Easter!

I haven't had too many blog-worthy things happen lately. I totally got ripped off by some jerk on the internet. Don't buy anything from ioffer.com. I should have known that the entire series of Even Stevens for $8.75 and the entire series of What I Like About You for $18 was too good to be true. (Two of the greatest TV shows ever; it doesn't get much funnier than Beans and Amanda Bynes). Luckily, Google is honest and they're refunding my money.

Easter was good. There were some not so good things...a very sad, unexpected funeral, EJ and I had to speak in sacrament meeting, I was officially set apart as the ward organist and my mom told me she and my dad thoroughly enjoy laughing at me when I ask them what they refer to as "ridiculous" pregnancy questions...but some really good things too...delicious food that I didn't have to make, hanging out with the fam and some hilarious stories from Goob; my favorite was the one about a lost cell phone. It is not a G-rated story, so I can't tell it on my blog, but call Goob if you want to know because it's totally worth it.

St. Patrick's Day

So, St. Patrick's Day is coming up soon and one of the reasons I enjoy this holiday is because EJ despises it. It's really quite hilarious. I'm not the kind of person that goes around pinching people who don't wear green, but I always pinch EJ at least once because he refuses to wear green since he thinks it's a stupid holiday. Then he gets really mad at me for pinching him and I laugh. He's kind of in a bad mood until the day is over.

The second reason I enjoy St. Patrick's Day is because one of my favorite ex-roommates of all time used to go all out for it. Her mom would always send this really cool St. Patrick's Day package filled with yummy and cute things for everyone. And then my roommate would make this delicious dinner of corned beef and cabbage and peas and green mashed potatoes. It was always so fun and yummy and the only time in my life that I eat meat that hasn't been completely scorched so there is absolutely no pink anywhere on it. I would consider making this dinner myself, but since EJ refuses to eat it, I would be eating alone.

The third reason I enjoy St. Patrick's Day is because I have an amazing shamrock sweater my aunt gave us a few years ago. I completely love this sweater and St. Patrick's Day is the perfect day to wear it.

And the final reason I enjoy St. Patrick's Day is because it is the only day of the year that I'm not terrified of the little leprechaun-type person that I am completely convinced has been following me around for years, hiding in closets and causing trouble. I'm not crazy; if you've ever lived with me, you will completely understand.

One Of My Better Days

Happy Leap Day!!

This is quite possibly the best Leap Day I have ever had because I finished eating breakfast almost an hour ago and I have yet to throw it up. And after 2-1/2 years at my current job, my junk email is finally starting to go to my junk email. I didn't see any dirty pictures or dirty words today. Yeah!

I think in celebration of these two great feats, I will eat lots of salt crackers and chocolate covered almonds.

My First Thoughts On "American Idol"

So, a while ago at work, we had a company order these glow-in-the-dark frisbees with "I Love Mormons" printed on it. I have no idea who they gave them to or what they were used for, but I thought it was pretty funny and kinda cool.

I totally agree with this company; I love Mormons too! I'm a big fan of both of the Mormons on "American Idol" and I even think they would be my favorites if they weren't LDS. I love the blonde girl (whose name I can't remember at the moment) and I also really like the girl whose dad died. I think her name is Asia or something.

My favorite boys are, of course, the cute little boy from Murray (how sad is it that I'm old enough to think a 16-year old is a little boy?) and the Aussie (because that's my dog's name) and the kid with dreadlocks even though I don't think the dreads work for him at all.

I haven't been too impressed with this season so far, but I'm sure it will get better. I was, however, greatly impressed with Paula Abdul's new video. And I loved when Simon told the kid who got kicked off that he should get a good job because he could never have a singing career. You gotta love the honesty.

My Gift To EJ

EJ's temper is basically non-existent most of the time. However, in the two and a half years we've been married, I have found two things that make him really, really angry. So, naturally, I try to do these two things as much as I possibly can, because that's the kind of person I am.

The first thing that makes him really angry is when I rub my toes on his leg. Obviously, EJ and I have never played footsie under the table. I don't understand why he hates it so much. My feet are always clean and I have really pretty toes.

The second thing that makes him really angry is when I eat his french fries. Now, I understand that french fries are delicious and, seriously, who wants to share their fries? But he honestly goes crazy when I try to eat one. It's weird. He acts very similar to the way my dog did that time we gave him the bone from our ham to chew on and then when we tried to take it away, I thought he was going to kill us all because he was so evil-angry.

Since we're poor and we can't afford any cool Valentine's Day gifts, I think my gift to him will be that I won't rub my toes on him or eat his french fries for like two weeks.

Speaking of Valentine's Day, if I was planning to give a promotional gift to my employees or customers, I would definitely go with the Softbeadz Heart Pillow or the Heart Shape Mints.

Haircuts

Every time EJ gets his hair cut, we have the same conversation. It goes something like this:

(Before he leaves):
EJ: I need to wash my hair really fast
Me: Why do you need to wash your hair?
EJ: Because it has gel in it
Me: But they wash your hair for you
EJ: No they don't; it costs extra if they wash your hair
Me: No it doesn't; it's included in the price of your hair cut
EJ: No it isn't; you always have to pay extra
Me: I have never had to pay to get my hair washed

(After he gets back):
Me: How much was your hair cut?
EJ: (Insert some random price that gets more expensive every time he goes)
Me: That's a lot for a boy's hair cut
EJ: I know. I also had to pay a tip
Me: You had to pay a tip for your haircut?
EJ: I always have to pay a tip for my haircut
Me: I have never had to pay a tip for a haircut

Am I completely crazy?! I have got my hair cut at several different nice/expensive salons and several different cheap places and I have never had to pay extra to get my hair washed. It's always included in the price of the hair cut. Once, I was in a hurry and I even asked the girl if she had to wash my hair and she looked at me like I was crazy and proceeded to tell me that you have to wash your hair before it gets cut, men included.

I have also never paid a tip for a hair cut. Am I just rude and don't realize that you're supposed to? EJ says there is always a place for a tip on the receipt they give you. I have never seen a receipt with a place for a tip at a hair cutting place.

Who is the crazy one? Me or EJ?

Speaking of hair, this promotional Folding Hairbrush is a pretty handy thing to have around, especially after a brand new haircut.

Ah, Memories

Last night, as EJ and I were going to bed, we were talking about funny things that had happened to us. I was thinking about this group of kids that came to my elementary school from Copperton, some random city somewhere. They were really weird and all the boys had mullets.
One boy, named Cody, looked like a mouse and he had this really long mullet almost to the end of his back. He would always say really disgusting things to me that are far too gross to write on this blog. I'm not sure if he was trying to flirt with me or offend me or what.

But the funny thing that happened was with another Copperton boy with a mullet, named Shad. I walked past him on the playground after school one day and I didn't say anything to him, I don't think I even looked at him, and he punched me really hard in the stomach. It completely knocked the wind out of me and I fell on the ground. We both had to go to the principal's office and I don't remember what his punishment was, but when the principal asked him why he did it, he refused to answer. I'm convinced that he did it for one of the following three reasons: 1) He was jealous that my hair was so much prettier than his, 2) I wouldn't give in to his best friend, Cody's, advances, or 3) He was just practicing for a long life of physically abusing women.

Whatever the reason, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Shad and Cody are enjoying the inside of a jail cell for the next 15-20 years.

Anyway, it was a very traumatic day for me, so my mom let me pick out a cute Stuffed Teddy Bear at the store.

The Rash That Ate Cleveland

I have this funky rash on my wrist. Actually, it's all over both of my hands, but it's especially bad on one wrist. If I keep my hands lotioned all day, it's usually not too painful or itchy, but it doesn't help that I go to the bathroom 45 times a day and thus, they always get dry.

I guess I should feel lucky that it's only on my hands. When I was taking Accutane, I had it completely covering both my arms from my fingers up to my shoulders. I'm pretty sure it's some form of eczema (I don't know if that's the right spelling).

Does anyone have any miracle treatments for me? Most things that I rub on it cause it to become incredibly painful and worse. And it's so sad because I can't use my beautiful new scriptures since I always have nasty stuff covering my hands at night and I don't want to ruin them. Luckily, I have my scriptures I got in 9th grade that have completely fallen apart.

Maybe I should try some Hand Care Cream. Or maybe that would make it worse. I don't know.

New Year's

Here's some news that may shock some of you:

I didn't make any New Year's resolutions and I didn't stay up until midnight on New Year's Eve.

Why, you might ask?

Well, the reason I didn't make any New Year's resolutions is because I think New Year's is a dumb holiday. If there's some goal I want to accomplish, why can't I make it in October or March? Why should I have to wait until January 1st to do something good with my life?

And the reason I didn't stay up until midnight is because January 1st is no different from any other day, except for the fact that I don't have to go to work. And also because we're trying to get in the habit of going to bed earlier since EJ starts school next week and he has to start waking up really early. And also because I'm a boring married person and I can kiss my husband any time I want.

But if I ever do decide to celebrate New Year's, I'll be sure to order some kazoo's to make lots of noise and some Beeswax lip balm to make my lips nice and soft.